When Insults Had Class

“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.”

–Winston Churchill

“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.”

–Clarence Darrow

“He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.”

–William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?"

—Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

“I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend... if you have one.”

–George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

“Cannot possibly attend first night; will attend second, if there is one.”

–Winston Churchill’s response to George Bernard Shaw

“I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.”
–Stephen Bishop

“I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.”

–Irvin S. Cobb

“He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.”

–Samuel Johnson

“Winston, if you were my husband, I would poison your coffee!”
–Lady Astor to Winston Churchill at a dinner party

“Madam, if I were your husband, I would drink it!”

–Winston Churchill’s response to Lady Astor


Alas we've fallen so low,

"BENT! - Come and Get it!"

It's been a rough week.

I really wanted to write but I've been beat.

There was some excitement this week. . .

Larry suffered a total breakdown.

A real horror show.

This job can really wear you down.

He's opted for seclusion, a little time off.

Unfortunately, I fear it's just the tip of the iceberg.

I know all too well that isolation only exists in isolation.

There's no escape. The poor guy needs another good Vice.







My first customer after lunch was a typical peach.

Some time ago in a wrench filled galaxy much like our own . . .

Her kid rents a couple expensive guitars and an amp.

Duration 3 days.

She returns it after recieving a credit call.

Overdue 1 month.

her: "I'll pay whatever it (the overdue) is"

Me: "$125"

her: "Wahht??"

Me: "did you me pardon me?"

her: "don't you have to pre-pay for these things?"

Me: "Yes, you pay for how long you're renting for.
When that time is over you're expected to return it or update it"

her: "Wahht??"

Me: "You can't just keep it and not pay. Mam, We're not Netflix"

She sheepishly hands over her credit card.

PWNED!

her: "Thankyou, I think"






NEXT CLOWN -

Also wants to return a rental (it's a monday thing).

He's got a truck FULL of stuff.

He didn't rent it.

His friend did.

He's another guy in the band.

Does he have a phone number?

Yes.

What is it?

I don't know.

Does he have a last name?

Yes.

(grrr. I shouldn't have to ask)

What is it? (I already know)

I don't know.

He's a guy in YOUR band and you don't know his last  name.

WTF.

"he goes by M.C. Smelz"

"Yeah, let me just check under -Smells- in the computer"
 
I eventually found it.


To top it off we're in the heart of wireless rental season.

It's that wonderful time of the year when school teachers everywhere

compete to see who can get the most channels of bad wireless

taped to the faces of their snot nosed brats.

Why taped to their faces?

They can't wear a headset, and they don't speak clearly enough for a lav.

It just sounds bad.

Like I need to say " I told you so".

Here we go again.

It's off to another day of desolve.

Let me just un-check my list. . . .


Clean pants NO
Pressed Shirt NO
Comfortable shoes NO
Nutricious Lunch NO
Dignity + Self-Respect NO & NO


OK I'm ready let's go.


I jotted this down before I left this morning.

Not overly poignant but it reflects my headspace.


I want to tell you about yet another quirky customer, James Baycrest.

Well, partner, let me tell you about his hat first. 10 gallon. Yup.

You may think it's hard to pull off that look in 2008.

Now, try it when combined with a pair of yellow plastic sunglasses.

What instrument does he play? Guitar, we think.

I've never seen him play, he's got some money down on nothing.

It's been about six months and although he makes frequent payments

he's only amassed about $15.

How's that? Easy.

Start your layaway with 38 cents.

Now you can see why we haven't picked out an instrument yet.

It will be discontinued before he can afford it!

Who am I kidding?

I'll be long dead before he can afford it.


Mr. Baycrest had to come in today to pickup his wallet.

I found 2 things interesting about this.

First, why do you carry a wallet when you have no money?

There has to be plenty of space in that hat for your ID.

Secondly, Your wallet has a heavy chain and clip on it.

Do you know what the chain is for?


"Some'n found ma wallet"

"Sure, I saw it in the back"

"Well, go get'er boy"


I'm happy to just get to walk away.

"I gots a reward for ya" he says, jingling in his pocket.

It must be his keys, I think.

The reward he pulls out is far more fitting.

"Sucker" he says, oblivious to his pun,

& drops a chupa chups on the counter.

"Sucker" I mimic, knowing what I'll blog about.

Sucker indeed.




Just then the phone rings and I get this guy:





"Hey, do you guys sell stands for more than one guitar?"

"Sure, do you need a double or more like 5 or 7?"

"Well, I've got 3 guitars"

"We've got triple stands."

"What are my options?"

"A triple stand, a double stand with a single, 3 singles,
2 doubles with one emply space, A 5 stand with 2
empty spaces, a 7 stand with 4 empty spaces . . . "

"And what would you do if you were me?"

"Got any rope?" (this was the voice in my head)

"it's all personal prefrence" very politically correct, I feel so sick.

What is it with sketchy people?

Shady, shifty, greasy, sleazy,

They wave their arms in wildmills of illusion while their eyes case the room.

They lean close and misdirect with one hand while groping with the other.


Fake nice.  Searching for an angle.


To me they smell like rotting fruit . . . .

and I can smell it even through an E-mail.

It pains me to see them in our midst.


So brazen are they that their word is worthless,

dishonesty and treachery.


Unworthy even for a pound of flesh.

Woe to he who enters into business with disreputable men.


I'm reminded of a parable about a fox and a scorpion.



In the preface to his translation of Aesop's Fables, George Fyler Townsend defined
"parable" as "the designed use of language purposely intended to convey a
hidden and secret meaning other than that contained in the words themselves,
and which may or may not bear a special reference to the hearer or reader."^[3]


A fox and a scorpion wandered along the banks of a river.

The scorpion was too small to cross himself.

The fox, while an exceptional swimmer, was wise enough to know he was not

strong enough to swim the full width of the river.

When the fox and the scorpion crossed paths, the scorpion made his proposal,

"If you agree to carry me across the river, I will show you to the place
where it is easiest to cross."

The fox said, "No. If I carry you, you'll sting me and I'll drown."

The scorpion assured him, "If I did that, we'd both drown."

The fox thought about it and finally agreed.

So the scorpion showed the fox the easy crossing as promised,

climbed up on the fox's back and the fox began to swim.

Just across the river, the scorpion stung him.

As the poison filled his veins, the fox turned to the scorpion and said,

"Why did you do that?"

"I couldn't help it," said the scorpion. "It's my nature."





^{Watch that other hand!!}

Eleven plus two = Twelve plus one


That, ladies and germs is an anagram.

What is an Anagram?

anagram (an-uh-gram)

noun

A word or phrase formed by rearranging the letters of another word or phrase.
For example, Elvis to Lives.

verb tr., intr.

To rearrange letters in such a way. To anagrammatize.

Extra Classic, in the sense that maintains the equation.

Here are a few more for fun:

• Debit card = Bad credit
• Mother-in-law = Woman Hitler
• Evangelist = Evil's Agent

Can you see it? A thinly veiled truth.

But what do I know of that? (sarcasm)

Truth is a strong force.  It demands to be seen.

It's the yang to the yin of falsehood.

It's equally insideous and leaks at inopportune moments.

What do the letters say about W.U.?

Wrenches Unlimited=

• Reclined With Menus
• Indecent Lemur Wish
• Wine Mutes Children
• Tunnelers Whim, Dice!
• Inclined Where Smut
• Dulcimers Then Wine
• Wretched Mule In Sin

 and my favorite two:

• Enriched New Litmus
• Twin Schedule Miner

That about captures it.