Let me start by defining DJs in this context.
I'm not talking about the urban musician who composes epic beats on his MPC2000.
I'm talking about the disc-inserters, the shady guys who show up at closing time with a girlfriend in tow.

Here's a recent example:

She approaches the counter and says "I need to rent a mic"

He's on his cell like "yo, man we just be getting the boom boom, but this place is whack"


Here's why we're whack - there is no DJ section to speak of. . .
No trussing of shitty lights, no turntable displays, no single ear headphones, no 1000 watt sub pumpin da beatz.
We rent PA equipment for live performance - speakers, amps, mics, and a whole bunch of other stuff they don't understand.


"just a mic?" quickly followed by "have you rented here before?"

"No."

I look to my right
The clock says 9:00pm. Closing Time. Just under the wire I guess - I hand her a contract and a pen.

"what do you need?" I ask "just a mic?" I pose the question again knowing full well they're gonna want $2000 of gear at least.

She turns to verify what she needs. All of a sudden she's filling in the contract and he's telling me what he needs
"2500watts per side, with tha big subs. 3 wireless mics..." etc ad nauseum.

This is a perfect oportunity for me to stop time - Just for a moment to reflect my thoughts on Wireless. THEY SUCK!!!!
Wireless is good for only one thing - Making you look like a chump when it inevitably fails - PWND as they say.
Give your singer a wireless mic and try to keep that clown on stage. Add the fact that nobody gives a shit about rental gear,
and you have a recipe for disaster. So what! if you get a refund for the rental when it fails!
You still looked like an idiot when it happend, and the audience will remember you infinitely longer than I will.
Anyway . . .

The lights are going off. That means that now M.C. Fly-by-night is eating into my personal time, A red hot ember starts to smolder deep in my gut.

"so you guys rent turn tables, right?"

"No, just musical equipment"

"any special lighting?"

"Stage lighting. Like musicians use."

"how about lazers?

"how about you give me the rest of your list, we've all got places we planned on going tonight"

His phone rings again and I start assembling his gear.

That's a rule too, if a customer takes a call, you walk away.
Move on to your next customer. Total disrespect - it's fucking rude, learn some social skills ASSHOLE.


I test all the gear and confirm it works correctly. I don't think he's warrented sabotage just yet.
The crew has closed all the tills by this point and is gathing anxciously to determine the holdup.
Oddly enough, our lives don't revolve around what this dink needs to rent. The time is now 9:15pm.
I call BS for a credit check while I draw a wiring diagram and Graham bags the cables.

It's been a painfully long shift - as always.

"why do you need all this info?" she asks

"well we are giving you $2400 worth of gear" I reply

"and my credit card too?"

"you could leave a Full Value Deposit if you prefer, then no questions asked"


I see BS approaching and give him the - make a descision and let me go home look you see on my emplyee ID.
He asks the same questions as always - what is the event, how long do you need it, why did you only put a cell number down on the contract?
An recieves the same answers we typically get - house party, just tonight, and I don't give out my home number.
If it were my shop, Full Value Deposit would be the only way you got a closing time rental.
It's because 99% of the time they're scams or chodes and frequently both. They want you to rush through the credit check so you can go home.
I've got a better idea, deny the rental and I can go home. Problem solved.

"so you know you're taking personal responsibility for the gear."

She looks concerned - not a good sign. M.C. Cellphone looks at her as if to say "we need the gear Yo!, fo shizzle"

"Do you guys have insurance?" He asks, another flashing red light.

"It may be covered by your home insurance" I shoot back with my best fake smile.

So . . long story short - consistant with our corporately appointed mandate to "take it in the ass" - BS approves the rental.

"Pull your car around to the rental door and we'll get you loaded up" BS says, then wanders off.

as soon as they walk out to pull around -

"$10 says it won't fit in their car" Graham says, "any takers?"

Silence. It would be like burning the money. "$20 says she returns it alone and doesn't lift a thing" I retort.

Again, no takers, we've all been here again and again. " and late" I add.

CORRECT on all 3 counts. They're driving a Fucking Omni!

You will fit one speaker into the vehicle. MAX. Thats with a bungee holding the hatch.

"Looks like you're gonna have to take 2 trips" I say walking out with my coat on. Slam goes the door be hind me.

It's like 1000lbs lifted off my back, sweet freedom.

"I'd stay here with it if I were you, and keep your eyes on it, gear has a tendancy to walk at parties"

I guess I could have mentioned that they need batteries for the wireless. One more drawback of wireless.
Fuck it! 1/2 hour of my life I'll never get back. That's a little passive agressive I think.
So, I saved a few people from bad rap. Besides, I know it's coming back late anyway.

Lack of intuition and indecision, without provisions may result in rescission and derision.

Definitions of rescission:

• noun: (law) the act of rescinding; the cancellation of a contract and the return of the parties to the positions they would have had if the contract had not been made; recission may be brought about by decree or by mutual consent

Definitions of derision:

• noun: the act of deriding or treating with contempt
• noun: contemptuous laughter

The moral of the story is -

DON't be "That Guy" who shows up at closing time & if you are that guy through a: be quick, apologetic, proffessional, and leave a big tip.
If you're with "That Guy", don't let him take you down with him, wait in the car or better yet mock him relentlessly, the staff will love you for it.

YES - The gear did come back - LATE - She was ALONE - did not lift ANYTHING

I cheerfully refunded the wireless mics and charged her for the extra days -

-----------------NET refund $ 1.98
Getting out at closing time PRICELESS

Genetics are a funny thing. The proverbial apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

So if dad is really dumb and plays music then chances are good that Jr will be drooling at my counter soon enough.

Take for example young Brutus El Nero, idiot son of Nero El Nero. OK so dads name sounds fake eh?
Nobody would name their kid Nero El Nero right? Half wit father of the half wit father would be my guess.

Truth is stranger than fiction.

Jr says "these cables are tangle free!"

(tangle free in the packaging anyway)

Dad says "what is that? some special coating on there?"

Yes, cable conditioner they call it, they've had it in hair products for a while but its new in pro audio.


I can top that - how about the insane one and his boderline retarded spawn.

He finds a product for sale online and wants us to order it.

We don't sell that brand.

"why?"

because we're not the local retailler.

"why?"

well either the product was no good or they required that we keep too much in stock.
It just wouldn't sell fast enough to be a good business descision.

"Why?"

because it's a product no one uses, its proprietory to a specific brand, they only sell in packs of 10 etc.

"why?"

we carry products that many people need and can't just order misc accessories on a whim, there's no extra space as it is.
Not to mention my previous article on the perpetual inventory scheme
.
I can special order it for you with a non refundable deposit through a new distributor.

"but I just want to try it!"

"why?" I ask (2 can play at this game)

"it seemed cool on the net" he answers not realizing my sarcasm.

"why?"

"I don't know, it has a cool belt clip and stuff"

"why?" I prod again, alas, his attention has shifted and he's off to frolic in the keyboards.


They may have half a brain between the four of them.

I suggest MANDATORY STERILIZATION.

They say you are what you eat - if society crumbles and we resort to cannibalism . . .

NO STUPID STEAKS FOR ME~!

(experience relayed by Chuck and Graham as I returned from lunch)

"Shred Flinstone was in . . . he brought back the 2x12", they sing in unison.

"Of course, ughh" - I reply, keeping my head down.

Shred Flintstone is actually a guitar teacher. He looks exactly like Fred Flinstone.
Ham Fisted. Inaccurate. Tonedeaf. Really quite uncommonly stupid.
An intellectual throwback. . . "So . . ya got some a dem dare wally bars?"

I sold him a 40w tube amp 1x12 that was more than he needed.
I carried it out to his car. Parked by the door? NO
He returns it on my day off and orders a 40w 2x12. Lateral move, more weight.
The next week his new amp arrives and he comes in to tell me,

"I was sneaky,I got da bigger one..."I really need da extra powa"

"OK great, I'll grab it for you"

Ring up the 2x12 and cart it out to his vehicle. Parked by the Door. NO
Load it up for him and send him on his blissfully ignorant way.

---------------------------------------------------------------
So now this one is coming back too. Am I suprised? NO
It was pre-ordained. Like a lemming. A dumb lemming. Fate.

There are no virgins. Life rapes us all.

So it came back. Here's the punch line -

Chuck - "I'm giving you back $950+tax (the full amount),
we can't refund that much from the till but I can put it back on your debit card."

S.Flintstone - "But I gave you cash"

Chuck - "but I don't have enough, it is immediately available"

S.Flintstone - "but I gave you cash"

Chuck - "this is the same as cash, I'll refund it to your cdebit card"

S.Flintstone "you can put money back on a card?, I didn't a know dat"

He pulls out his debit card when his better half chimes in . . .

Dino "that won't work, thats not a debit card, thats a bank card"

Chuck - "let's just try it."


Presto. You have no amp. We're back were we started.

Encore!!!!

Presto. Chango.

I have 2 slightly used amps selling for full price
and 2 more automatically on order from when we sold the first 2.

Reasons sited for returning it:

• Too Heavy (couldn't see that coming)
• Too complex (as is a light switch)

Oddly the amp designs were both the exact same -
If it was too complex why did you order a bigger one?

Oh wait, I think I know.

Again - I'm coming back from lunch.

- Is it six yet? Is it six yet? Is it six yet? Is it six yet? Is it six yet? Is it six yet?

Nope.

I like to take my lunch late so hopefully my buzz can last till the end of the day.

What's this? A sexy readhead leaning over the counter asking Graham some questions. I don't know what she's saying but I imagine it's something like . . .

"So when's Curt coming back? I've got something I'd like to show him."

I approach from behind noting her long legs, thigh high leather boots and fishnet stockings. Her shoulder lenghth hair is the coulour of autumn leaves and she's holding what looks like a guitar. Can this chick get any sexier? Only if she's carrying cold beer and hot pizza!

Now, we don't see many women in the music store (other than the occational wife dragging hubby out by the ear or a frumpy mom with her kid and friends who've begged to come in and ruin my day (ie. play electronic drums they can't afford))

She turns slightly and I catch a profile view. Not even a hatchet face, what gives?

Maybe she's in town to dance in a video - my mind races, how can I get in on this.

" do you need a hand Graham",

Damn. That sounded so fake. Graham knows I would never purposely interact with customers so soon after lunch. Still, I'm hoping she came to see me.

At this point she turns around and I catch an unexpected eyeful.

She's holding a BANJO. Immediately I'm flacid. Curt Jr. hides like a frightened turtle. The image is burned in my mind like witnessing a trainwreck. It haunts my dreams - there is no escape.

"we're good, thanks" Graham says, letting me off the hook.

It would have been less traumatic to find out she had a penis.

My wife likes to grope me when I'm home for lunch (what a tease). I often find myself returning to work sporting wood but that memory alone seems to keep my hormones in check.

I don't anticipate seeing topless twins at the store anytime soon but . . . .
if they have Accordians I might just go GAY!

And ladies - Chicks with Guitars are hot! Gals with Banjos are NOT!!!

This is a Mandolin


And so is this . . .





Playing with either one indicates a desire to have your fingers cut off.

I assisted in a thumb repair today thanks to the second.

For Fuck Sakes! It's called a Mandolin - I'm not gonna touch it!

Perhaps experience is required. People learn by doing.

Those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it.
they are not even inocculated by personal tragedy.

I like to consider the whole room to be the frame of my experience.
This means that if something fails in my sphere of perception, I learn from it.

Step toward your goal, now, look around. Assess the situation.

Physical, emotional, spiritual, intellectual, there are open wounds we deal with daily.
Scars serve as lessons taught. Lessons learned is another matter.

Die without scars and you're a slacker, a wasted life.
Smooth skin is a sign of SLOTH.

I'm just suggesting, that you don't have to be a festering scab when it's your time to go.

I feel every persons failure as my own. That's not a bad thing.
The worse they fail the less I have to.  I can gather the energy of it and find
a little lesson in it for myself.

Luckily I'm in a place where I get to see MUCH failure every single day.

Look around you - there's a lesson starting right now.