Herein lies the very depths of my worldly pain.

I pour it out upon the page for you, the reader, to digest.

 

I hope you’re hungry. . .

Everyone gets 2 knives and you’re envited to eat with your hands.

Todays Special:

It has a briny crust of bitter truths and sharp shards of introspection,

but tear into the flesh of it, you’ll find that my gooey middle is delicious.

It may entertain you (although that’s not my goal) & it could offend you

(I don’t really care).

Throughout I will endeavor to be faithful in context and educating in prose.

Special attention should be paid to:

• Sarcasm
• Cynicism
• Allegory
• Rebus
• Thanatos

 

Along with other literary devices I will illuminate the scene 4U.

Examples will be plentiful but that is why we’re here.

My quill is at the ready. Let us begin……

Bitterness is an emotion of anger felt as a result of a real or imagined wrong done.

Etymologically from "ressentir", French re-, intensive prefix, and sentir "to feel";

from the latin "sentire". The English word has become synonymous with anger and resentment.

It can be an emotionally disturbing experience that is being felt again or relived in the mind.

When the person feeling resentment is directing the emotion at himself it appears as remorse.

 

(See Kierkegaard and Nietzsche; also 12-step discussion of Resentment)

See also

Anger Pain Punishment Remorse Resentment Revenge

 

• Bitterness is a warm coat.
• Remorse is a hole in your warm coat.
• Resentment is leaving your coat at home because you believed what you were told,
• “It’s beautiful out you don’t need your coat”
• Revenge is pushing that person in the lake and taking their coat.

 

 

OK, everyone has their coats on – lets move along to the next display.

These are the primary characters,

if you recognize yourself and don't like how you're portrayed -

STOP BEING SUCH A DOUCHE!

 

Larry – A metro sexual with a penchant for small shirts and the color black –

he represents ruthlessness, volatility and helps to bring out the most destructive me.

 

 

Graham – A coffee addict and a general sweet dude. He hides his bitter side much better than I.

 

 

Chuck - A good natured musician who just likes to take a beating. The modern masochist.

 

 

Bryan – A session player that knows money makes the world go round, an even bigger whore than I.

He is extremely neurotic. We have some great fun at his expense.

 

 

Bob Sr. – The smokestack captain of our crew. We’ll shorten his name to BS, the reason is obvious.

 

 

Bob Jr. – The underling of BS both figuratively and genetically. Henceforth known as BJ.

 

 

Jack – Our guitar tech. The eldest member of our motley crew and will likely enjoy more

birthdays than any of us, he deserves it too. I picked his pseudonym special,

he’s got as much reason to be bitter as anyone and allows the debris to fall off his back.

 

 

& then there’s me . . .

 

I’m Curt – A 30 something retail whore. Bitter to the core.

I’ve prepared for war & I intend to settle the score.

I’m well versed in lore, a wild boar with a tendency to roar.

Are you ready for more gore?

Behold! What’s beyond the trapdoor? . . . .

why it’s the sales floor of a busy retail music store.

Welcome to the ground floor.

The first hurdle I face is where to begin. I must find a way to balance both the classic tales of skull duggery with the never ending barrage of new What the Fuckisms.

OK, how about a note on color choices?

Electric guitars often come in a few different colors. . .actually many more as of just a few years ago. Why? To offer more options to the consumer? NOPE.
To aid in the visual identification of models available? WRONG. They call it Auto-Order or perpetual inventory.
In short, let's say the store decides to carry a single model of shit indonesian guitar. (NOT a comment on indonesians in general, but your guitars really suck)
Well, a perpetual inventory system will automatically order one of each color to provide a selection - not bad so far, the three options are red white and black.
Unfortunately somewhere along the way the Shit indonesian manufacturer (under contract with a US or Japanese Corporation) realize that lots of places use a similar inventory system.
In a stroke of marketing genius they see that it doesn't matter how many guitars the retailler sells . . . just how many the retailler buys "automatically"
So . . . . every new model becomes an automatic sale - add a color send one to every retailler, Maple fingerboard instead of rosewood - send one (in each color) to the retailler.
3 guitars that suck just became 8. It gets worse limited: editions, pickup options, gloss vs satin finishes, it's all a scam!
Get this - at the end of the model year they discontinue several colors and add at least as many new ones.
They just keep sending those shit indonesian guitars.

Any idea what happens to the puke yellow thing you sent me last year with the 3 humbuckers and the floyde bridge?

ITS STILL ON THE FUCKIN WALL! Surprise!

It goes down 2 ways - either A) The customer wants a discount on the instock model because it's a discontinued model
or B)The customer wants a color that is discontinued and not available. This is the beginning of a huge saga of calling around to find a store in the chain that still has one in stock.

Finally the guitar will arrive - "this is brand new right?", "I don't know about this color", "do you think you could find me another one?
"Bring it in and I'll choose between them."

I typically wash my proverbial hands at this point. Even if I see 3 more in the local area my answer is No.
" Yeah, but I when I told you to bring in an orange-red guitar, I was hoping it would be more red and less orange."

and my internal response is

"when I took this job it was to work with artists not chodes",

Did Shakespear whine about the color of his quill?
Something even the average redneck knuckledragger can comprehend -

Jeff Gordon doesn't care what color his car is - as long as the stearing works.

You don't hear what color the guitar is on the album (and you can change the cover in photoshop)
Just buy the damn guitar and get your ass into the woodshed. While you're in there be sure to play with the band saw.
There you go! Is that the color red you were hoping for? Looks great! sounds even better!

Wow! It felt great to get a few drops of the venom out.
Sadly, I didn't even get to tell you about the Blind guy we call "Mr. Peepers".
Don't worry I'm not going anywhere and he's not getting off the hook that easy.

Can't you read the Fucking Sign!

Come back tommorow.

Damn . . . . 

Respect the Day of Rest - I need it if I'm gonna be fake nice next week.

Let me start by defining DJs in this context.
I'm not talking about the urban musician who composes epic beats on his MPC2000.
I'm talking about the disc-inserters, the shady guys who show up at closing time with a girlfriend in tow.

Here's a recent example:

She approaches the counter and says "I need to rent a mic"

He's on his cell like "yo, man we just be getting the boom boom, but this place is whack"


Here's why we're whack - there is no DJ section to speak of. . .
No trussing of shitty lights, no turntable displays, no single ear headphones, no 1000 watt sub pumpin da beatz.
We rent PA equipment for live performance - speakers, amps, mics, and a whole bunch of other stuff they don't understand.


"just a mic?" quickly followed by "have you rented here before?"

"No."

I look to my right
The clock says 9:00pm. Closing Time. Just under the wire I guess - I hand her a contract and a pen.

"what do you need?" I ask "just a mic?" I pose the question again knowing full well they're gonna want $2000 of gear at least.

She turns to verify what she needs. All of a sudden she's filling in the contract and he's telling me what he needs
"2500watts per side, with tha big subs. 3 wireless mics..." etc ad nauseum.

This is a perfect oportunity for me to stop time - Just for a moment to reflect my thoughts on Wireless. THEY SUCK!!!!
Wireless is good for only one thing - Making you look like a chump when it inevitably fails - PWND as they say.
Give your singer a wireless mic and try to keep that clown on stage. Add the fact that nobody gives a shit about rental gear,
and you have a recipe for disaster. So what! if you get a refund for the rental when it fails!
You still looked like an idiot when it happend, and the audience will remember you infinitely longer than I will.
Anyway . . .

The lights are going off. That means that now M.C. Fly-by-night is eating into my personal time, A red hot ember starts to smolder deep in my gut.

"so you guys rent turn tables, right?"

"No, just musical equipment"

"any special lighting?"

"Stage lighting. Like musicians use."

"how about lazers?

"how about you give me the rest of your list, we've all got places we planned on going tonight"

His phone rings again and I start assembling his gear.

That's a rule too, if a customer takes a call, you walk away.
Move on to your next customer. Total disrespect - it's fucking rude, learn some social skills ASSHOLE.


I test all the gear and confirm it works correctly. I don't think he's warrented sabotage just yet.
The crew has closed all the tills by this point and is gathing anxciously to determine the holdup.
Oddly enough, our lives don't revolve around what this dink needs to rent. The time is now 9:15pm.
I call BS for a credit check while I draw a wiring diagram and Graham bags the cables.

It's been a painfully long shift - as always.

"why do you need all this info?" she asks

"well we are giving you $2400 worth of gear" I reply

"and my credit card too?"

"you could leave a Full Value Deposit if you prefer, then no questions asked"


I see BS approaching and give him the - make a descision and let me go home look you see on my emplyee ID.
He asks the same questions as always - what is the event, how long do you need it, why did you only put a cell number down on the contract?
An recieves the same answers we typically get - house party, just tonight, and I don't give out my home number.
If it were my shop, Full Value Deposit would be the only way you got a closing time rental.
It's because 99% of the time they're scams or chodes and frequently both. They want you to rush through the credit check so you can go home.
I've got a better idea, deny the rental and I can go home. Problem solved.

"so you know you're taking personal responsibility for the gear."

She looks concerned - not a good sign. M.C. Cellphone looks at her as if to say "we need the gear Yo!, fo shizzle"

"Do you guys have insurance?" He asks, another flashing red light.

"It may be covered by your home insurance" I shoot back with my best fake smile.

So . . long story short - consistant with our corporately appointed mandate to "take it in the ass" - BS approves the rental.

"Pull your car around to the rental door and we'll get you loaded up" BS says, then wanders off.

as soon as they walk out to pull around -

"$10 says it won't fit in their car" Graham says, "any takers?"

Silence. It would be like burning the money. "$20 says she returns it alone and doesn't lift a thing" I retort.

Again, no takers, we've all been here again and again. " and late" I add.

CORRECT on all 3 counts. They're driving a Fucking Omni!

You will fit one speaker into the vehicle. MAX. Thats with a bungee holding the hatch.

"Looks like you're gonna have to take 2 trips" I say walking out with my coat on. Slam goes the door be hind me.

It's like 1000lbs lifted off my back, sweet freedom.

"I'd stay here with it if I were you, and keep your eyes on it, gear has a tendancy to walk at parties"

I guess I could have mentioned that they need batteries for the wireless. One more drawback of wireless.
Fuck it! 1/2 hour of my life I'll never get back. That's a little passive agressive I think.
So, I saved a few people from bad rap. Besides, I know it's coming back late anyway.

Lack of intuition and indecision, without provisions may result in rescission and derision.

Definitions of rescission:

• noun: (law) the act of rescinding; the cancellation of a contract and the return of the parties to the positions they would have had if the contract had not been made; recission may be brought about by decree or by mutual consent

Definitions of derision:

• noun: the act of deriding or treating with contempt
• noun: contemptuous laughter

The moral of the story is -

DON't be "That Guy" who shows up at closing time & if you are that guy through a: be quick, apologetic, proffessional, and leave a big tip.
If you're with "That Guy", don't let him take you down with him, wait in the car or better yet mock him relentlessly, the staff will love you for it.

YES - The gear did come back - LATE - She was ALONE - did not lift ANYTHING

I cheerfully refunded the wireless mics and charged her for the extra days -

-----------------NET refund $ 1.98
Getting out at closing time PRICELESS